Actually it kind of fell into my lap. A friend of mine happened to work for a very large and very important Consulting firm. He knew that I am an getting my degree in the Environmental Sciences. So one day I was complaining about not having a (high paying) job and he says "Why don't you apply to (Consulting Firm Name) I will give you an internal referral."
Now for those of you who don't know how this works, lots of corporations have a system in place that allows current employees to endorse new applicants to the HR department. This is called an internal referral. Having an internal referral does not guarantee the applicant will get a job but they do get selected preferentially if it comes down to them and somebody without a referral.
The Warrior was pretty excited about the opportunity. Many of you that know me know that I am a pretty big skeptic. I don't believe in magic, the Lock Ness Monster, or Sarah Jessica Parker. That being said, sometimes I do what I call "Making a Deal with The Universe." For example: I am really bad about staying alert on long car trips. Once when driving between Clemson and NoVa (that's what the cool kids call Northern Virginia... I like it!) I made a deal with The Universe. "Universe" I said, "If you keep me alert, and out from under tractor trailer trucks, I will listen to nothing but heavy metal, all the way down to Clemson and all the way back." And so I did. I listened to CD after CD of face melting riffs, blistering drums, and brutal vocals. Well I stayed awake on that trip, and I made it safely to Clemson and back and here I am today Writing a silly blog that has been re-purposed to talk about basically what ever I want it to. Today I will not be reviewing a book. Instead I will review the latest deal I made with The Universe.
Review: Failure Bowls, Chicken Broth, And Andre Pink.
At first I was pretty unsure of my ability to land a real deal environmental consulting job. But then, in late December I got a phone call from (Consulting Firm Name). They were calling me in for an interview. Needless to say I spent the rest of the day doing the robot. After 24 solid hours of roboting, I got scared. What if I get called into the interview and then screw it up somehow, or just don't interview as well as the other people that are getting interviewed. That's when I made the first part of The Deal. "Universe," I said "If I get this job, I will eat a Jimmy Dean Failure Bowl." For those of you not familiar with the Jimmy Dean Failure Bowl, it is a disgusting mixture of every single breakfast food on the planet, blended into a near liquid form and slurped out of a bowl.
It looks like this:
I should take this time to point out that most of my "Deals with The Universe" operate under the assumption that The Universe enjoys watching humans do eccentric or disgusting things. The Universe also enjoys heavy metal.
After the the first round of interviews I felt really good about the job, but they hadn't officially offered it to me yet. Then I got a second call. "Hey [Warrior]," said (Consulting Firm Name) "We liked you, but we are still considering other people too, and we want to make sure that you know how to eat food without looking like a stupid idiot, hows about you meet us at the office and we do a second round of interviews over a fancy lunch at (Restaurant Close to Consulting Firm Name)." I was psyched but understandable insecure. "Crap," I thought, I still didn't have the job. Well time to up the ante Universe. I made a second deal. If I got the real deal consulting job I would drink two cups of chicken broth strait. I selected my favorite sipping broth.
It looks like this:
The second round of interviews went well, I got to eat some free butternut squash ravioli.
After a few weeks of not hearing anything from (Consulting Firm Name) I got a little worried again. I called HR and attempted to follow up. HR hadn't heard anything. They said that they would contact me again in 2 business days.
Three business days later I get an emails saying I didn't get the job. I emailed the person who had interviewed me, thanking them for my time and wishing them the best of luck with their new hire. Another day passes and I get an Email back saying "Hold everything [Warrior] HR is crazy. They were talking about another job that you didn't get and didn't even know you were applying for." After another day of waiting I got the call. I got the job. I would start March the second, but before I started work I knew I had to make good on my end of The Deal. The Universe got me a job, so I owed it a little horrible food related entertainment.
Now with the back story out of the way, on to the actual reviews.
Jimmy Dean Failure Bowls:
Jimmy Dean makes a product known as the "Breakfast Bowl." Me and the Ladywarrior have always mocked them for their ridiculous nature, naming them Failure Bowls after a Patton Oswald skit about a similar product. The Failure Bowl combines eggs, cheese, bacon and potato into a single bowl friendly mush. It's kind of like the most disappointing omelet you have ever had. It is prepared in the microwave so that you get that weird effect where parts of it are over 9000 degrees and parts of it are still frozen. Also the amount of grease in a Failure Bowl is approximately equal to the amount of grease needed to lubricate a jet engine. Still the combination of eggs, cheese bacon and potatoes is a crowd pleaser. It's not that it necessarily tasted that bad. its just that its a lazy and unnecessary product. Why can't you eat your eggs, cheese bacon and potatoes separately in the form of eggs, bacon and home fries\hash browns. This is a combo that is available at every single restaurant that serves breakfast on the face of the entire planet. This is how a normal person with some dignity eats these foods.
Two Cups of Swanson Chicken Broth:
Hot Chicken Broth is actually quite delicious. It is kind of like chicken noodle soup without all those pesky chickens and noodles. if it did not contain roughly 170% of your daily sodium intake for the day I would drink it more often.
Finally how do you celebrate getting a job with (Consulting Firm Name)? Well I don't know how you celebrate special occasions, but me and the Ladywarrior drink champagne. No, not real champagne. We drink Andre Pink Champagne.
Andre Pink Champagne
It's the only alcoholic beverage that is the exact same color as Barbies convertible. It tastes like sprite with booze in it. It is amazing, it comes in a resealable bottle (no corks here!), and its available for approximately 5 dollars a bottle. I highly recommend Andre Pink Champagne. It gets my highest review yet, 4.5 out of 5 Pterodactyls.
